Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
You Might Also Like
I can’t stop laughing at this
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”