*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
You Might Also Like
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex