How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
You Might Also Like
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
okay run it by me one more time
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend