Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
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Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
this is how life feels
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.