Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
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[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Pretty much. 🤣
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Roses are red
Violets are blue
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call