In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
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[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses