Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
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If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
me after drinking all the wine:
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
O Wise One….
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
this has to be peak English
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.