I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
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Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Breaking news:
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules