You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
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[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.