Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
You Might Also Like
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
my mom making me talk to relatives
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
When someone says you are so lazy
channeling her this year
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.