My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
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This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
What?!?
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.