“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
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[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
A little too much information.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.