ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
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Every haunted house movie:
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
my sentiments exactly
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?