I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
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ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
what kind of cook setting is this??
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.