10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
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“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.