[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
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While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up