Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
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Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’