My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
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[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.