I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
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a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.