Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
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GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Is your wife single?
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Always
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.