I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
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Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.