When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
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what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Me :
All Day At Night
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
meow
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.