Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
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*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend