Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
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”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy