I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
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nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.