I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
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SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.