Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
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Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
lost dog
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog