me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
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POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
everyone has that one prude friend
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life