I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
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Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
peeping toms
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges