The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
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Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
my proudest tweet
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.