Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
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saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
“A little help here, Danny?”
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Schrödinger’s cookie
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally