Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
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“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Just had my nails done!
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that