Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
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I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
A Short Story.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better