Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
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[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.