just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
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If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
“you changed” bro i was 15
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi