Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
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My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
This checks out
Herpes is trending, good job people