I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
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A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I put the p in pants.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.