“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
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Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
My friend is an excellent librarian.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?