When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
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7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Why soy sad?
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE