[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
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[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.