[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
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If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
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My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
me opening up to someone
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome