Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
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When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
you know what ruined my childhood? children
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
turning my gender off to conserve energy
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*