If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
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Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
…żyje?
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.