Can I donate fat instead of blood?
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Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
good let them take over I have had enough
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.