A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
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Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Breaking news:
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea