HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
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ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
smh
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT