It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
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“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
john wicks are toilet candles
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied