“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
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Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Whoa… oh I see lol
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.