I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
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whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
My birthstone is a marshmallow
how much for the angry fruit?
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
my dad has had enough
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be