If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
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To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
not seeing the problem
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”